Tuesday, September 27, 2011

My Semi-Retirement: Why and How (ShadowsWillFall)

It has been since 2007 now that I've been modeling. It took me a year to get the ball going and establish a name for myself as an Art Model. I love the culture of Photography and am thankful for having met so many artistic and talented individuals.
Traveling has been good for me.. But considering this year and my losses, I will have to refrain from traveling as often and traveling out of pocket.

Here's my story:
It took me a year to break up with a guy that I thought would be a good match for me. Why a year? Well, the heart has high hopes. But I accepted we weren't, as hard as it was, and just wanted to move on. But he truly believed to ruin me before letting me go, taking off with my music and studio equipment, my song files, my photos, my pc, and pretty much my livelihood. Yes, all my music from Dhatura was lost as well as all my modeling photos. The book I was working on, well....I think i might have a back-up....crosses fingers. I then got hacked in my accounts many times by him as he was also leaving threats. Not happiness at all.
Later I found out that the rent wasn't getting paid on his part which led to a non-documented eviction. He was gone! With all my life. Nowhere to be found now. And good ridden.
Upon finding a new place to live, I found out my father was homeless and seemed to have the symptoms of a minor stroke. And since he had nowhere to go, I offered him my room that I was renting in my "roommate" situation. I then stayed with my fabulous and current potential life partner since then.
After a couple weeks, I was traveling north to Seattle, Portland, The bay, and The Coast when I get a phone call that my father was in the hospital and had, again suffered a major stroke. My struggles between my losses, my break-up, and supporting my loving father seemed extreme and painful. Alot to deal with in such short amount of time. I couldn't travel for too long as i was worried for my father being alone with his condition. So to support us i did what I cold including selling both our cars. I've been an emotional rollercoaster since then, and just not myself.
He recovered well enough to travel back to France to get the healthcare he needed. Thank god! By this time, I'm spent. And I just got into another accident being hit by a car as a pedestrian. Don't worry, I only have a torn tendon in my right hand finger. But it makes it difficult to do regular things with my hand. I still model....without the bandage ;)
With all this going on this year I obviously am not doing so hot in school o_O

My resolution:
Well.....I have to get my life together.
I have to rebuild, move on, and focus on the good in my life.
I'm saving money and staying at my bf's and my mom's to get another car. This will allow my to get back on route as a traveling model and work. But it won't happen over night. So my semi-retirement is this. If you want to book me, I can make myself available. Mind you I have a flexible job here in LA, but i do need to work around it a bit. If you need me to travel, I will if expenses are covered. If you want to shoot TF for a flight, that's great, but I must also have a couple extra days to book other gigs to make my time worthwhile. I can't go home with empty pockets as I could be using that time to study and actually pass my classes.
I'm keeping all my confirmed shoots and travels until December and booking extra when it comes my way. After that, it's lockdown time.

My hopes:
I still am working towards being a musician, and audio engineer. The arts is and has always been my first love. But I have devoted and sacrificed in this industry. I hope someday it can give back a little tiny something for me. I will model for as long as I can........

photography by ShadowsWillFall
Seattle, WA


  1. Well, I hate to say it, but your recent life sounds every bit as hectic and soul-breaking as mine. I may not know you from Adam (or eve) but believe me, I can sympathize. I hope that you can, indeed, get all your ducks in a row and get your career back on track.

    Will miss seeing your shoots so often, since you always seem to find gifted photographers to work with, but Definitely understand taking the time off to get back to your roots.

    Take care of yourself! :)

  2. Your story merits a response due to its sincerity and honesty. I have been following your modeling career for several years now. You are one of a very few people (one of these being my close friend) who elevates modeling to a true art. You are in a league truly of your own and few can match the talent, beauty, and intelligence you bring to your modeling. Therefore I hope that you will return to your art as soon as it is financially and emotionally possible.

    Regarding the guy who tried to ruin you... There is no excusing evil and malicious behavior, especially from someone you have previously trusted and loved. However, you must remain confident that this person is actually suffering more than you - or he would not be so angry. And the music, photos, and art he took from you - that is truly the biggest loss. But remember that Ernest Hemingway lost everything he wrote. He then went on to write more novels, better novels, and more short stories, eventually receiving the Nobel Prize for Literature. Your art, while difficult to replace, will continue to grow and develop and will be greater than before. Be patient and create your art.

    Regarding your father... It is very evident that you are a loving daughter who will sacrifice for the ones you love. Nothing is more important than family. What you have done for your father cannot be measured in time or money - it is pure sacrifice. And a willingness to sacrifice is the only true measure of love.

    Regarding “getting your life together...” Your life IS together. Your values are true and correct, your goals are clear, and you have a plan for achieving your goals. Keep moving forward.

    Regarding your “semi-retirement.” If I had the money I wish I had, I would certainly book you for modeling and pay you at your highest rate. I would do this not only to create exciting photography with you but also to meet someone who is obviously as beautiful on the inside as on the outside. But, alas, I am no longer a rich man.

    I have for you two quotations from the writings of Joseph Campbell (I strongly recommend any of his books or essays for you):

    “We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

    “Where you stumble and fall, there you will find gold.”

    William Faulkner, in his Nobel Prize acceptance speech said that we “will not merely endure: we will prevail.” And you shall prevail. I am certain of it.

  3. I agree with Harold, although he said everything I was thinking, and even more, MUCH better than I ever could have.

    I sincerely hope things get better for you, and they will ... I promise!

    As I live in Benson, AZ, I would imagine booking you here would be quite expensive, but I'm going to look into it regardless. I haven't seen you in the Southern Arizona desert settings yet! Perhaps around tax refund time? ;)

    Take care. <3

  4. If there weren't an ocean between us (literally), I'd love to collaborate on some musical recordings, as I'm a multi-instrumentalist, baritone, and recording engineer with a rudimentary studio. Unfortunately, it's cheaper for you to buy your own equipment than to fly to Germany to use mine. :) Harold has it right when he says you already have your life together. Okay, your modeling career is on hold for the time being, but you have already laid out a plan to get that sorted out, so keep up the good struggle. I wish you, your art, your music, and your relationships all the best. Your audience all looks forward to seeing you when the right time comes.

  5. Heartbreaking to read. So very sorry for your trials. Wishing you so much better luck and hoping you find a way to continue modeling and doing what you love. Your beauty is much more than skin deep and your kindness has been abused and that is just so very saddening to me. I hope I can provide a small help in your journey and am very excited about your creative endeavors.

  6. Such is life, beautiful lady, but that doesn't make it right or make it easy.

    You are a lovely and caring person. I am proud of you for all you did for your father and so impressed with your beautiful body of work. It was a pleasure to work with you on your NUDE cover and feature! I know you will always create art, whether it is as a model or in music.

    Many hugs and much love and sincere wishes for the success I am sure lies ahead! You have been very, very successful in everything, so I have no doubt. xxoo

  7. Your decision is completely understandable given your circumstances, and of course, should you find your way back to Portland, I'll definitely shoot with you again for the third part of my series.

  8. To a true Goddess! I just read about your obstacles of life. I send to you the healing power of the one verse. For real you are the most talented moving art form I have ever witnessed. being a visual artist, I also visualize wonderful events for people. For this I will see great things for you. The continued success for you is vast , bright,and prosperous. Thank you for you.

  9. Why jump into anohter relationship so fast?

    Either way, good luck.